Pehla (First)

Life has always been about first timers. The magic lies in the first occurrence itself. Second time, though how delightful it may seem, our mind knows that it knows what's happening. The first rain, the first kiss, first baby, first movie in a theater, first motor bike, first day in college. If someone doesn't stop me, I can go on and on about it.

The funny part is though that how much special we want everything, that is our first time, to be. It is like a continuous quest with ourselves. A quest to hold that moment in time when it is happening and to make it as picture perfect as we can. Not to mention we miserably fail most of the times. Picture perfect is a myth. I am no different when it comes to make my first experience worth remembering. I too want my every first experience to be as perfect as it possibly can be. But that's not what actually happens. You want to know how was my first day at college? First up an embarrassing welcome by The Bastards (I lovably call my teachers that :-) ), then an accident on the road (not that I got injured), a guy from my college (who in future becomes a jerk who calls me for help every now and then) takes me up for a tease and takes a heavy treat from me and the day ends with a mild ragging by Fourthies (mild as I have seen way worse than what they can possibly dream of). Not so special for a first timer eh? The second day though was a miracle. How? Well, let's just keep it as a secret for a while.

I find it really funny that the people who walk around with camera on every bloody occasion of their life have no idea of what they are actually missing with their naked eyes. So much for being picture perfect. And just as I was losing hopes on every first timers, a funny thing happened this morning. Read on.

Since I was very young, I have always missed a chance of experiencing the first rain of the season. And just to assume and know what rain means to me, go here. Though I couldn't recall any reason for that, the point is I have never done that. My mom always says not to bathe in the first few rains of the monsoon but what a screwdriver does to screws, Yash Aswani does to rules. I once took a bath in one of the first few rains and guess what? I ended up having scratches all over my body. Did I care? Hell no! Still, I always missed the first on. Coming to the point. It's early morning for the world and late night for me. And guess what? It's raining. There is a lovely song struck to my ears, I am writing and enjoying rain with a hot cup of tea. This is the first rain of the season and I took a quick bath too. Feeling delightful. Got a relief after all those days of heat wave.

So you see, sometimes waiting for things to happen and not pushing them too hard may get you where you want to go. Not everything in life can be made picture perfect, but changing the definitions of how much picture perfect you want everything to be will remove the extra pressure. What else is life all about than adjustments? Until next time,

Adios.

Birhaa (Separation)

Every time there are holidays, I am the one amongst my friends and acquaintances  who goes last from Greater Noida (probably). Almost always a day later. And the feeling of bidding everyone good bye and then staying alone after that is really draining. I may announce in annoyance that it has been 9 years since I am studying away from home, but still, a human heart is a human heart. And what a human heart needs most during these times is a company. A company that is good. But heck, at this time, I would even talk to Rakhi Sawant for hours. It's not that I have a problem staying alone, rather I am very good at that art, but living without problems is not always living peacefully mind you. The roads are deserted as if a curfew has recently been announced. Ansal Plaza is.. well, empty. Feels very strange, roaming in a building that is so big yet so empty (and they crave about space huh?)!  Familiar faces in crowds are absent (Wait! You said crowd?).  Nothing seems good enough - Games, Food, Movies, Songs, and another pretty things not worth mentioning. I swear I don't miss my home too much, not enough to crave me meet them. You might call me a spineless jerk, but this is a truth. I have been raised over pain, and pain makes you strong. It's just that I desperately need to get surrounded by a few familiar faces. I am a bit lonely.

Everything in life has an essence of separation. An air of dislocation. Probably, separation is the biggest truth human heart has ever discovered after death. In a way, death itself is a separation, from this mad-mad world. Even after years of staying away from home, I feel butterflies in my stomach when I have to leave a place I am already settled in to a place that I would have to settle in. If I stay a week at home,I get creepy even by the thoughts of leaving it. You know, great food, reputation, mother, siblings and peace. Specially the sunsets. During my stay at home, I ride my bike across the fields of rice and cane and watch the sun set. Beautiful moment I tell you. Leaving all this is not comforting. And about Greater Noida, well I love the overdose of freedom I get here. Freedom is a lethal weapon and I know how to use it wisely. *wink*

I have seen(felt) separation from many friends over the years but still haven't got used to it. Every time it is a similar kind of confusion yet very different in itself. I dread the day when I would be leaving college, but lets not think about it right now. 
Separation is painful, but it is bearable, I know . Life moves on, and it carries you along. A journey where you meet companions, and then you leave them at some point or the other. This is a never ending process of destiny. God's personal 'so called' master plan. The dirtiest humor of fate. Strike a smile and whistle a song. That will make the journey a bit exiting.

Happy Holidays! :) Until next time,

Adios! ;)

Khamoshi (Silence)

'Well timed silence hath more eloquence than speech!'

I believe silence has a language of its own. Everyone does. Life is very good at giving examples I know. We all have been given some of them. Silence is much more than not talking. It may inspire haunt, at the same time it may show love. You can express anger with it, you can convey sorrow with it. What water is to colours is what silence is to expressions. We human beings have an inborn talent of 'listening' silence, especially of those whom we love. Mothers are pretty good at the game. I remember a night when I was shit depressed and needed to talk to someone badly. I called my mom and when she picked up I wasn't able to speak. I was choking. She, after ten seconds, understood that something is wrong. "Is something wrong beta?" and there I was, crying like a five year old. Yeah I know that is a sissy thing to do but when you are in a dangling state of mind, even the smallest stroke of love is capable enough to break you down. If, God forbid, ever in your life you meet depression, it won't leave(if it eventually does leave you because I believe some part of it always stays) you with fond memories to cherish with. Sadness apart. Here is a contrast of silence at play.


1. A silence of hatred -
Alcohol again. I am yet to categorize alcohol as an enemy or a friend. The other night's party ended up in a fight that was pretty-fucking bad. And when we returned to our senses (and hangover free state of mind), there were bruises, not on our bodies but on our hearts. A part of me died that night. Things like these make you believe that world is a bad place to be in. After spending a whole day not talking to each other we reached a point where we had to draw conclusions. It's hard to know people very well but not talk to them. It kills to feel hatred towards someone whom you loved until last night. There we were in a room, not talking. Staying mum. Pin drop silence was given run for its money. Silence, at its brief best. You could hear the clock ticking as if loudspeakers were connected to it. As if everyone was asking each other burning questions, without uttering a word. Things are pretty much better now, but that moment is the one that made me write this. I so desperately wanted to let it out on my keyboard (times of pen are coming to an end). Life is strange; it's sadly funny to see how ego overcomes love.

2. A silence of love -

Lectures are boring. Professors suck. It was yet another boring lecture at my IIT-JEE coaching in Kota. I wouldn't have been sitting in the class if it wasn't for her. Yes, there were times when I was hopelessly in love. I always took a seat that made it really easy for me to see her across the other row clearly. If smiles were a commodity to be sold in retail, she would have been a millionaire. If you ask me what is the definition for cuteness?  I would show you her face. Dimples, like pits so deep, it would put Indian roads to shame. There was a hint of melancholy on her face, and if it didn't kill me to see her being sad, I would have put that expression on her face forever. Seeing her inspired me to be a better person, a better human being. But I never told her a damn thing. I never gained enough gut to do it. I used to sort of stalk her. I use to stare at her all day long during lectures (I didn't realized it then that how much foolish was that to do). She didn't take it in a very good fashion. Hell! Which girl would? But that lecture, that day, was different. It was one of the many defining moments of my life. I was staring at her and after a moment I found her staring at me. Our eyes met. Our gazes were attached to each other for really long (25 minutes). I was speaking without 'talking'. She smiled for me, for the very first time and kept smiling. I felt out of this world. That day is still one of the most special days of my life. Love needs no language they say, and I couldn't agree more! What happened afterwards is a secret to keep (or to be shared when the right time comes). *wink*


Liked it? Hated it? Tell me via comments. Feedback is valuable. Until next time,

Adios.

Rumaal(Handkerchief)

It's holiday times. Semester has end. Everyone is already gone home. I am also on my way and would probably reach tomorrow(seeing the condition of the fog, nothing yet can be predicted). Today, while packing my stuff, something very strange happened. A feeling struck me in a surprise. Doesn't it happens sometimes? A thought, a feeling, a fact hits you very sharply and after that you cannot get rid of it for hours. It keep revolving inside your head for quite an amount of time.How differently and randomly it happens though is a completely different issue we are not going talk about today.

Why don't I give a little bit of backdrop so that you are familiar with what we are talking about today! I had to buy a pack of handkerchiefs because I am falling short of them. Or to be very precise, I have none of them. And like every other work, buying some handkerchiefs also remains pending(Exams I tell you!). I still don't have them, because of the lazy ass I have become.During the last holidays(the Diwali one),I asked mum(mom) to keep some of them in the packing.After I came back and emptied my packing,I searched for handkerchiefs in my almirah, but found none. May be she forgot to keep them. But that rarely happens, happened never in my case. Well, seems like her old age is now showing effects. Wake up! Flashback ends!


Back to packing my bags today,while packing in some t-shirts which were buried now for almost a month inside my cabinet(you rarely use them in winters), I found a group of handkerchiefs between the t-shirts with my initials written with on them with a permanent marker.Immediately i got carried away by a wave of thoughts. I said it never happens in my case! I was so overwhelmed by the thought that I couldn't stop my self from writing this. The love a mother can shower on her kid is in-measurable by any scale probably made on earth, if a scale to measure love does exists anyways! And after a long and tiresome and gruesome day, here I am, in the front of my computer screen after so many days, not watching a movie or listening songs (or you know..), but doing what i love to do the most - Write!


Adios! :-)

Badlaav(Change)

It's vacation time again, as Hindu festivals are popping up around! Too bad I am not going home on Dusshehra (but would sure do on Diwali). Well, all those who are shocked at this decision, I must tell you that I have to travel too far(almost 1000km from Delhi) to reach my home unlike most of the other guys around. Anyhow it doesn't really makes a difference now, because I have been studying in a boarding school since I was in 7th Std.(Don't you know that? Well, I have got to make some confessions yet!) Yesterday night I got a call from my old school mate and got a bit nostalgic. And, as I have nothing better to do now a days, I was thinking about how life has changed over the course of time I have lived. Lets compare.


Living -


Earlier I was in an all-boys hostel with a no day scholars school. And there were as many as 'TWO' girls in the class of almost 100 people(data not precise and who the hell cares anyways?!). To top it off, no access to the outside world. Now that is some punishment. But still, since the school was made midst hill stations, lovely scenery and awesome weather soothed to the very extent they could.Plus, the awesome crowd of all type of boys from nerds to hunks to umm.. gays(Hey girls I am not one of them!), and the amount of extracurricular activity one got to indulge in was superb! I even watched my first Porn there(I said I would make confessions ;) ) and learnt about 'all good things' (haah!).


Hostel in college was different(I no more live in the hostel of my college). Even though it was an all-boys hostel, we sure got female access during the classes and outside(and if you ignore the beauty quotient, the rank this time was better). Also, we got access to the outside food which was not possible earlier! Mess food is common everywhere (sucking too the core), and whatever, let us talk about more tastier umm.. important things. If we talk about environmental beauty, sure Greater Noida is good, but nothing in comparison to Ranikhet(my Alma Mater). Crowd is good, but most of them suck to the core. And my campus sucks big time. No extra curricular activities too. So that makes us even on both sides. Yet!


Fun -


Fun earlier had a different meaning. Bunking one class in a month was like winning an Oscar. Eating a samosa or two and getting a sip of Coke in someones 'Bithday Bash' was like touching heaven.Talking with parents was the most lovable thing I have ever experienced there. We were allowed to talk on phone with parents only once a week, on a fixed day, and that too just for five minutes.Those five minutes were the most beautiful five minutes of my whole week! Nights were crazy. Eating tucks, celebrating, beating the shit out of anyone who is having a sound sleep(Lol!), listening radio of every match that India played, making Maggie in a boiler or eating it raw(Emergency saw the use of tap water too! Ha ha!) and casual chats for long hours. During days, shouting in class, playing pranks, cursing and abusing the shit outta everyone and anyone, stealing someones key and make him cry for it,and god knows what else happened! Playing sports was like performing day day to work. It was fun.


On entering this age what I may call is the 'College Age', the meaning and methods of fun change! If you don't believe me,come visit my flat (seeing is believing baby!). Soft drinks are replaced by beers,cycles are replaced by bikes, sleep is replaced by night outs, dancing.. well dancing never changes, slapstick is replaced by witty, Maggies made in boiler is replaced by Maggies bought on stalls, a 100 rs. pocket money which felt enough earlier is replaced by some thousands which still looks less, Nokia 1600 is replaced by Nokia N8 or Blackberries, small manageable fights turn into riots and a helluva lot of changes take place(if I count each and everyone, then who the hell will read my blog?). And anyhow, you need not read them because you know them already.


We are still even.


Friendship -


Now this radar will strike some beeps. Friendship earlier was simple, filled with innocence.When someone called you to have a spoon of Maggie, he really meant that by heart. It wasn't just a formality. If you got sick, everyone of your class would stop by (many to grab the tasty food we get in hospital but still, they did). Chatting time was endless. We can talk for as short as 15 minutes in recess and still prove a point, or we can get a gossip stuck even though we talked for whole night and realized P.T. teacher(read Mr. Bankoti) is all eager to eat our assess. Leg pulling and bullying was the hottest thing around, still when it came to unity we were together, like a 'family'.


As we grow mature, friendship finds newer meanings. Some friends that we make are purely benefit based, some are only greeting based most of whom we don't know just recognize, and some are friends for soul. The third one are the toughest to find. I am saying this because till the time we reach this age, we learn 'comparison'. Comparison on any shitty base one can't even imagine of.Be it money, cast, creed, place, college, branch and what not. On top of that, I personally feel that the lot of good, 'real' people are running short of this world. They don't make good men anymore, as my father would say. Between that somewhere, the essence of friendship is crushed heavily. But still, we do find friends that are for keeps (although hard it may sound). As I always say, quality matters, quantity doesn't. Innocence is lost way before the virginity does.


So, here's the end result.Though I make my Ranikhet period of life win, my College life is in no way less.There I made the sweetest memories of my life, and here I am learning the toughest lessons that growing up brings.


This one to all my boarding pals -

कुछ यादों के तोहफे


कुछ यादों के तोहफे उठा के चला हूँ , उठा के चला हु कुछ बोझ रिश्तों के,

कुछ लम्हे चुराए हैं मैंने हसी के, कुछ पल भुलाये हैं मैंने आंसुओं के,

कुछ गीत हैं याद जो गाया करते थे संग,कुछ रास्ते हैं भूले जो चला करते थे संग,

कुछ छींटे रंगों के अभी भी बदन पर हैं, कुछ घाव शब्दों के अभी भी ज़हन में हैं

न मै भूल पाउँगा चाह कर भी, न मै भूलना चाहता हु भूल कभी

वो दिन, वो रातें

Adios! :)